Oh & it was named the Hoop-la. And it went well. It was insane. I cried a lot. A LOT the last few days & an hour before opening I thought I was going to crack in 2. Sounds like a blast, n'est-ce pas? Sounds like someone with a good solid grip on common sense would never consider doing again, right? Right?

Please oh please let the cello come to me. Patience. Bah. it's far too late for you to be up. Go to bed...

Hoop-La?

How to produce a show with no experience, help or time. Ok...why am I doing this? The only answer is because it feels like the right thing to do. I don't like that I like to be stretched. I'm already so stretched by a tiny gorgeous being who's more demanding than I imagined. What can I gain by throwing myself into this? It's not about what I'll gain, it's that I want, I need to be on stage. No opportunities are knocking on my door right now except for this one which is truly quite exciting. Every time I think I can't do this something happens to change my mind. Maybe I can do this. Even with communication challenges & serious time restrictions. I feel so blessed in this moment. I know it will change. It always does, no matter what it is. The name of the show, does it really matter? I don't have time to get hung up on it any more. Time to piss or get off the pot. Name it & move on.

Medium

Not entirely sure the of motivation behind this blog business. Self-indulgent? I haven't written in my journal since starting this. I like the action of hand-writing, the character of the letters, the pressure, the colour of the ink, it all tells as much a story as the words themselves. Here, the words are uniform. There are tricks, tactics, to express (dear lord not emoticons tho' I'm guilty of the sideways happy-face : ) Very OK Computer, this. Which reminds me, I need a new copy of that album. But I digress.
To ramble or not to ramble. What is the purpose of blogs? To be noticed? To trace one's own steps in the journey of life? Jeezus. As mentioned, I prefer the old-school actual writing thang. I read Lisa's & thought, yeah, this ought to be fun. I do like the colourful bubbles, I must say. Do I believe I have anything worth sharing? Not particularly, no I do not. It's taking time to come to grips with the medium-ness of my life. Mediocrity. Yikes. If some sweet Mama wants to feel a kindred burst of comfort there are far better places than here to find it. As with creative types too busy to actually DO their art, whatever that may be at any given moment. Babe is up from her nap & her nursing is coming to a close so I shall too. Perhaps the debate will continue next time...?
m : }

Short & not-so-sweet

Sore today. BB was up a few times in the night. I sit at the kitchen table arguing with E about a pencil sharpener. I'm tired. I feel dark & sad & worried about my friend who has to go in for a biopsy. Why will my kid not let anyone use the pencil sharpener? Because he's 7 & has issues over possessions. Always has, perhaps always will. His placenta took 2 1/2 hours to come out after half a bottle of blue cohosh. Reluctant to let go. Yes well, he's not the only one is he? I want to hide under the covers today. I affirm to myself that I don't have to get sick in order to rest. Achoo. No, really...

blahg?

I like mornings. Sometimes. Yesterday was brutal. I found, at long last, the bag containing the thank you cards I made for gifts given to Ruby when she was born. I was thrilled, finally I can send one off to Mike's Aunt & Uncle & see who else I forgot...And there it was. The one I wrote to Mum but never gave to her. I crumbled. My Mum died in late November very quickly from cancer. It still seems so fresh. I've been thinking about her a lot lately, missing her, feeling her absence more physically. I wasn't ever very easy on her. Now her death is not very easy on me. Complicated. Her new husband I'm just getting to know. Being changed to executor (co, with half-sister) the day before she died. It's a lot, with everything else....this is a blog not a blahg. Suffice it to say that my eyes & heart were so sore after finding that card. I'm so sorry I didn't give it to her while she was alive. Guilt, ug.
Today is Winter Fun Day, off to help with that & hopefully see the boys there. Fingers crossed that Ezra's in a better mood & that I don't come across anything that reduces me to a blubbering mass.
: / xo

First & foremost

Font dilemma. When in doubt go with the Times. *snort* Recently bought a new laptop & have found myself surrounded by bubbles in cyberspace feeling, of course, at a loss for words. No matter. Plug on bravely & start by saying that I hope friends Lisa, Abe, Kai & baby to come are all well.
Yesterday at the kitchen table whilst feeding 8 1/2 month old Ruby it occurred to me that the clearest most indisputable proof in existence that humanity is, on a whole, completely stark-raving mad is that there are such things as siblings. I mean, I can understand having ONE baby. We don't know what we're in for, we think it will be different for us, we'll still have time to do yoga, to paint, play the piano, do plays, choreograph dances, drink red wine with friends & make an arse of oneself at karaoke....ahem...that our bodies will joyously & effortlessly bounce back to look better than ever. That we'll still have time to clean, watch Lost, write a blog (?!@#) de-flea the dog...ok ok you get the picture. Then there's the issue of the pain. It hurts. it really really does. the pain isn't the worst of it though. It's the fear. So much can go wrong & even though babes more often than nought come out just fine there's always something. Funny heart beats or placental previa or gestational diabetes, breech positioning or pre-eclampsia. I totally agree with Ina May Gaskin that birth & delivery is a natural thing, not to be feared. BUT only for those who aren't doing it at that moment. I am so glad that I'm done (so very, as in, like dinner) & I feel for every pregnant mama & hope that she's not nearly as terrified as I could get during any of my 3 pregnancies. Well, #2 was really easy. I was doing a ridiculous amount of yoga. It doesn't count.

Not at all what I expected to rant about & I also have to say that I'm really only half-serious. Which half is yet to be determined *snort* (again).

Rubes is waking up & I have yet to get dressed & find some tax papers & make lunch & & & ...

: ) xo